Lost & Found: My identity as His Beloved

I bet I have at least 20 different messages/lessons on the topic of Christian identity hidden away in my files from my years of being a youth director. It's a topic I covered every single year with my middle and high school students - and not just with one lesson, but several, sometimes an entire month. Adolescents are asking the big questions of 'Who am I?' 'Where do I belong' and 'Do I matter'. It is a season of life many of us have no desire to revisit. We know how difficult it is to be searching for answers to these questions in a world that can be harsh, unforgiving and unrelenting. I longed for my students to have a Biblical framework in which they could start making sense of these things, as well as a safe place to explore their beliefs, doubts, gifts, passions, failures and faith.

When we moved here in July of 2013, I was 33 years old. I was certainly not an adolescent but slightly on the young side to be having a mid-life crisis, but in a sense, that's how I felt. I had gone from full time church ministry to missionary. It might not seem like that big of a switch. Except it was.

From the age of 21, when I graduated college, I had been involved in full time ministry. I participated in Mission year straight out of college in Oakland, California. From there, I took my first youth ministry job which I was at for five years. I then moved to my second church as the youth pastor for another six years. Student ministry in the context of a church had been my entire post-college, professional life so far.

I went from being a well-known and respected leader in the church to a newbie missionary who had no idea what culture and language I had just entered into. I went from having regular child care lined up so that I could work to not feeling comfortable leaving my kids with anyone for months and months. I went from having long-term relationships with students who called me 'Mama-G', 'G-money', 'mom' and friend to students calling me Mrs. Driesenga. I went from being in charge of planning and leading weekly youth group, teaching, preparing lessons, Sunday school, retreats, trips, bible studies and more to not really having anything regular on my weekly schedule (at least at first!). I went from feeling fulfilled and satisfied as I was able to use my gifts to questioning what my gifts were and how I could use them in this new context. I went from a regular salary and benefits to lousy benefits, self-employment taxes and a 'salary' I had to raise (which wasn't going all to well).  I went from a strong community and network of friends, family and co-leaders to a missionary/expat community that, to be honest, can be a bit challenging to break into as a newbie. I went from feeling confident that God was using me to questioning why I was even here in Tanzania.

You can see where this is going, right? I found my self, at age 33, asking the classic adolescent questions of 'Who am I?','Where do I belong?' and 'Do I matter?'.

Throughout my years of ministry, my identity had slowly became enmeshed with my work. I was Gretchen, The Youth Pastor. Coming to Tanzania without that identity caused me to panic slightly. Our first year here, I frantically tried to find places to plug in - I had 40+ kids come play in our yard every week, I taught 8th grade Bible for a term, I co-coached primary swimming for the year, I started taking Swahili classes, I joined the worship team & ended up a worship leader, I joined a Bible Study, I went to a weekly prayer meeting...looking back I see that I was desperately trying to 'do' something, because in that, I thought I would find my identity. There was the added layer of complexity that now we were raising our funds, so I felt a pressure to produce something tangible that was worthy of the financial sacrifices of my friends and family.

In the midst of feeling fragile, lost and frustrated, God graciously revealed His stunning truth to me once more: I didn't need to 'do' anything to be his beloved, I simply was. He gently reminded me of His great love and His unending grace, which I am still trying to comprehend and wholeheartedly believe.

Before entering into our second year in Tanzania, I felt very strongly that God was asking me to limit myself to three things: family, worship and Swahili. I vowed to say 'no' to anything that didn't fall into one of those categories. I was asked to things that year that were good, yet I said no. It was challenging. I feared letting people down, or not proving my worth to supporters. I wondered if people would understand. The Lord patiently used that time to untangle my mess of an identity and draw me closer to Him. In saying 'no' to doing a lot of things, I was saying 'yes' to just being.

I'm still learning what it means to be a beloved child of God. I struggle yet with fully living in God's grace for me. There are days when I just don't buy it, days where I find myself foolishly trying to earn points with God because I fear my depravity is too much. There are other days when my pride gets in the way and I waver into thinking I've somehow earned my "beloved" status because of my "good works". As the Heidelberg Catechism so articulately states, however, "even our best works in this life are all imperfect and defiled with sin." (Q&A 62 - see below)

There are a lot of labels I can and do wear on a daily basis: wife, mom, worship leader, student, missionary, fund-raiser, friend, daughter...but my true identity, the thing that defines me above anything else is this: I am Beloved By God. I might be a slow learner and need constant reminders of this fact, but I follow a Savior who is incredibly patient with me as He shapes me more into His likeness.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God!
And that is what we are!"
1 John 3:1

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,
made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions -
it is by grace you have been saved.
And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him
in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,
in order that in the coming ages he might show
the incomparable riches of his grace,
expressed in his kindness to use in Christ Jesus.
For it is by grace you have been saved,
through faith - and this is not from yourselves,
is it the gift of God -
not by works,
so that no one can boast.
For we are God's handiwork,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:4-10

Heidelberg Catechism Question & Answer 62 & 63

62.	Q.	But why can our good works not be our righteousness before God, or at least a part of it?
	A.	Because the righteousness which can stand before God's judgment must be absolutely perfect and in complete agreement with the law of God, 1 whereas even our best works in this life are all imperfect and defiled with sin. 2
		1.Deut 27:26; Gal 3:10. 2.Is 64:6.

63.	Q.	But do our good works earn nothing, even though God promises to reward them in this life and the next? 1
	A.	This reward is not earned; it is a gift of grace. 2
		1.Mt 5:12; Heb 11:6. 2.Lk 17:10; 2 Tim 4:7, 8.

"He's asking us, 

'Will you take what you think defines you, 

leave it behind, 

and let Me define who you are instead?'

The cool thing about taking Jesus up on His offer is that whatever controls you doesn't anymore. People who used to be obsessed about becoming famous no longer care whether anybody knows their name. People who used to want power are willing to serve. People who used to chase money freely give it away. People who used to beg others for acceptance are now strong enough to give love. 

When we get our security from Christ, we no longer have to look for it in the world, and that's a pretty good trade." 

- Bob Goff, Love Does

A bit quiet - let's catch up!

It's been months since we've posted anything here. We've been to the States and back again and experience so much in the last several months that it would be impossible to play catch up. So, instead, I'll start with where things are at now.

We're 4 weeks into the school year and 5 weeks into our 3rd year of being here in Tanzania. In some ways we've settled back into 'normal life' easily, although that looks a little different than it has in the past. 

Marc is teaching grades 9 - 12 this year as opposed to both middle and high school. This helps to lighten what was a heavy load, and also frees him for more intentional time with students outside of class.  Isaac is in grade 2 and has joined the primary swim team. He has practice three days a week after school. I've started to give him piano lessons as we were able to get a keyboard from friends who left at the end of last year.  Hope has started preschool again (2 days a week) and just celebrated her 5th birthday. Geneva is now potty trained and joins me for our weekly adventures of driving people places, worship team rehearsals, swahili class, leading assemblies, going to the market and prayer meetings. 

Our roles at church are different as we've come back. For various reasons, we are slowly phasing out of some of our leadership positions within the church. Marc is no longer doing all the tech/design stuff nor on the leadership team. Instead of leading worship every week, I am now in rotation every other. We are still helping with our life group. One of the things we recognized while being 'home' this summer was that our family time was beginning to suffer under the load of our church and school commitments. We may have a 'large capacity' for ministry, but we sometimes find ourselves saying YES to too much and it not being sustainable or healthy for our family in the long run. When we left for the States, we were there. Between that, some theological differences and the need for more Tanzanian leaders to step into leadership roles at the church, we are phasing out of some of our roles. Its not easy, as we love our Pastor and his family and we love our church! We've had some difficult conversations over the past few weeks, but we are at peace about the changes being made and continue to support God's Tribe and pray for the church, here and worldwide, to grow! 

The other challenge we have faced since returning is the recognition that despite our amazing supporters and our various church and small group presentations this summer, our funding is still low. The past two years have been difficult in regards to fundraising, and we've actual incurred a bit of debt just to stay here as some months we had only enough money to cover rent. We don't believe that's God's plan for us, to go into more (any, really!) debt, and we've come to feel that if we are not fully funded by the end of December, we may need to leave Tanzania at the end of this school year.  Our school will need to know in January if we are coming back or if they need to begin recruiting another Bible teacher, thus the timeline. We're trying to be open to the Lord's leading for our family. Would you please pray for the Lord to make his will clear to us as we contemplate and pray about our future? We would love to see huge breakthrough in the area of our finances and be able to testify to God's provision. We want to stay! We also want to follow Jesus if he's showing us a need for us to return to the States, whether for a year to fundraise and then return or for good.  We get that we don't see the big picture. This is just another way we are daily learning to rely on ourselves and our own abilities less and on Him more. We can't just go out and get a part time job delivering pizzas or something to help our own financial state - we're not in control! Please pray for clear direction and for patience as we wait. Our latest Prayer Letter will be going out later today which lays this out a bit as well.

So those are the big things going on with us. We feel at home here and are enjoying getting to know some of the new faces around the HOPAC and missionary community. 

Living Out Our Sending

On New Years Eve, we had a few friends over to celebrate the coming of a new year with us. Throughout our evening of food, games and conversation, we joked about collaborating together to write a book about our years as "fake" missionaries here in Tanzania. We talked about chapter titles, such as "Arguments that no longer work on the mission field" (i.e. 'at least I'm bringing home the bacon') or "A Survival Story: 15 hours without power" (we complain about it, but only around 20% of Tanzania has electricity to start with).

We joke about it, because we think it and feel it. Not because it's true, but because the term 'missionary' has held such a narrow definition and we do not fit in it. We've felt it as we've spent time with "real" missionaries living in the bush and realize the luxeries and conviences we take for granted by living in a city. We've felt it from some who don't support us because we're "fake" missionaries.We've felt it when we post pictures of our lives here and people make comments about being surprised by how nice our house is (which it is!), or how it must be like vacation because we're close to the ocean and get to visit it frequently. We are "fake" missionaries in some peoples eyes...even our own sometimes.

Where does our definition of "missionary" come from? 

Ponder this for a few moments. What images or stories immediately come to your mind? What causes those specifically to come to mind? Who or what has shaped your idea of what being a "Missionary" means or should look like?

As a child, I remember hearing an older single woman come to speak at our church. She was a missionary, though I cannot remember where. She had on an ugly, outdated ankle-length skirt, had a short and non-flattering haircut, no make-up and seemed to be someone I could not, nor would not want to relate to - at least according to my pre-teen, totally hip and stylish self. In my young, concrete-thinking mind, I judged her as out of touch and well, dorky.

But she - SHE - was a "real" missionary.

And then I grew and read stories of "real" missionaries - stories of people leaving their family and country - not just for a 2 year stint on the field, but for LIFE. Servants of God who packed in their coffins with the expectation that they would die on the field. Followers of Jesus like David Livingstone, William Carey, Hudson Taylor, and Amy Carmichael. I took missions courses at Calvin Seminary and was inspired by the real-life sacrifice and devotion of those we studied. I went to a missions oriented dinner-theater that introduced the story of Jim Elliot and Nate Saint to me. These were the "real" missionionaries.

Then there is us. The "fake" missionaries.

We work at an international Christian school. It's made up of missionary kids, expat kids and local Tanzanian kids who have the money to attend a private school. There are scholorships and some families are truly sacrificing in order to send their kids to HOPAC, but many have the money to do so.

We attend a church plant which meets at a theater in the local mall. Our church is incredibley diverse with a large Tanzanian population but also a large expatriate population coming from the USA, Canada, the Netherlands, the UK, Kenya, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Uganda, Denmark and I'm sure I'm missing others. Our church reaches out into the community but also helps those in our family with micro loans, school fees, etc., which I love, however, many in the church are well educated and are able to make ends meet.

We have a car, running water (most of the time) and electricity (most days), we have a wall around our home with an electric fence, and as the team from Christian High recenetly noticed, we even have 'fancy' ceilings in our house. We visit an orphanage periodically, interact in our community when we can, but almost all of our time and ministry is currently spent with educated, working Tanzanians or other missionaries/expats.

Where does our definition of "missionary" come from? Where should it come from?

Jesus said to them again, "…As the Father has sent Me, I also send you." —John 20:21

Oswald Chambers says in the classic devotional, My Utmost For His Highest, "A missionary is someone sent by Jesus Christ just as He was sent by God. The great controlling factor is not the needs of people, but the command of Jesus."

 

Some have been sent by Jesus Christ to serve the poorest of the poor in the world.                          They are missionaries.
Real missionaries.


Some have been sent by Jesus Christ to serve the educated, future leaders in the world.
They are missionaries.
Real missionaries.

Some have been sent by Jesus Christ to stay where they are to faithfully and obediently serve.
They are missionaries.
Real missionaries.

Strip away the images of mud huts, language lessons, selling all that you have, medical clinics, swollen bellies, fundraising, rice fields, dirt floors, school buildings, church plants, village life, city life, orphanages...being a 'real' missionary isn't about these things - it's about one simple question:

Are we living out our sending?

Jesus said to them again, "…As the Father has sent Me, I also send you." —John 20:21

 It's really all about being obedient to Jesus' call, isn't it? That's what qualifies you as a "real" missionary - being obedient to the sending of Jesus Christ.

We have felt and continue to feel that God has lead and sent us to teach at HOPAC here in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania. While we continue to learn what living out this sending looks like, we are confident that God has sent us to be missionaries, REAL missionaries, here in Tanzania. And He has sent you too, wherever that may be.

Jesus said to them again, "…As the Father has sent Me, I also send you." —John 20:21